You know the scenario: It's Friday night and you're too lazy to do anything but stake out some hot property on your couch with your honey, some take-out and a rental. So you're loitering in the nearest Blockbuster, where the lady would like to see "PS: I Love You" (worst title ever, btw) and the senor is trying to go home with "10,000 B.C. (you know it sucks, right?). You've played out the Judd Apatow collection and you're this close to choosing "Superhero Movie" to just get it over with, dammit. Nono. Save yourself from the pain and heartache, you poor soul, with this handy guide to action flicks that everyone can enjoy. This way, the dude gets his explosions and the woman gets her end-of-the-movie make-out scene. Happy endings for all!
CATEGORY 1: MOVIES THAT ARE KIND OF LIKE CHICK FLICKS
Speed
Synopsis: Hero cop (beefcake) and lady hero bus driver (adorable, yet sexy). Bad guy. Hostages. Bomb on bus. Explosions.
Yup, this choice is way predictable - but for good reason. Despite Keanu Reeve's questionable acting and some so-lame-they're-amazing one-liners ("pop quiz, hotshot"), this movie delivers the high-octane adventure with satisfying/sexy results. The bad guy dies, the heroes kiss and the nail-biting chases are still fresh in our minds. Plus hey, we kind of love Keanu's one-dimensional "there's a bomb on this bus" delivery, and one-liners are what action movies are made of.
Him: Keanu kicked some ass! A BUS jumps over a GAP in the HIGHWAY! Dennis Hopper plays the bad guy!
Her: Keanu is hot! Sandra saves the day! They love each other in the end *shriek*!
Charlie's Angels
Synopsis: Heroic trio of bad-ass women. Bad guys. Friendship. Plenty of ass kicking.
No scoffing, please. This movie is a hootenanny of a good time no matter how you slice it. (What?! Just roll with it). You've got your team of fighting femmes who don't need guns to get the job done, and the three leading ladies who rock the roles. There's tongue-in-cheek humour, sleek cinematography and Bill Murray. It's campy and ridiculous and totally worth watching even if just to see Drew Barrymore beat up three dudes with her hands tied behind her back.
Him: Cameron Diaz in underoos! Crazy fight scenes! Race cars!
Her: Fierce lady heroes! Humour! Luke Wilson!
Bad Boys
Synopsis: Hero cops (beefcakes). Camaraderie. Bad guys. Car chases and explosions.
Ok, basically anything with Will Smith in it could go here. Especially shirtless Will Smith. (See: I Am Legend [work out scene], I, Robot [shower scene], Independence Day. I'm gonna go take a cold shower now). So, this isn't really much of a chick flick (it's a buddy flick!), but if you're a girl and you appreciate the general Woll Smoth aesthetic, you will like this movie. That's a fact. Plus, Will and Martin Lawrence have an irresistable chemistry on screen, and though it's not the best movie ever (far from it), sometimes it's just fun to put your brain on hold and watch some hijinks.
Him: Cops! Drugs! Sweat!
Her: Hot cops! Laughs! Sweat!
Italian Job (2003)
Synopsis: Protagonist heist team. Heist. Bad guys. Exotic locations. Car chases. Love interest.
If well done, a heist movie can be much more than just eye candy. It can engage your inner geek, bring forth thrills and wonderment and sometimes shift your perception. While not being one of the best heist movies around, the Italian Job remake should satisfy your popcorn requirements. The car chase scene with the Minis is of course a stand out, while Matt Wahlberg & Charlize Theron are pretty good-looking and stuff. Bonus content: The 1969 version is even better!
Him: Crazy stunts! Gadgetry! Charlize Theron!
Her: Plot twists! Cute cars! Mark Wahlberg!
Princess Bride
Synopsis: Hero. Love interest (also hero). Adventure. Avengement. Heartache and happiness. Ass kicking.
Is it a misstep to call this an action movie? Maybe. But who cares - it's close enough, it's amazing and it has universal appeal. There's a classic storyline, fantastical elements and romance that even the most hardened soul can get behind. Best of all? You loved it as a kid and you can love it now - repeated viewings are encouraged.
Him: Outlaws! Pirates! Andre the Giant!
Her: Romance! Fairy tale! Obedient farm hand!
Mr. And Mrs. Smith
Synopsis: Protagonist married couple (secret assassins). Deception. Predicament. Bad guys. Explosions and ass kicking.
Remember a time when Brangelina didn't yet exist? Just think - all it took was a delicious mixture of pure sexified action and heads exploding (from the never before seen pairing) to create a phenomenon. Yep, this movie was like a Big Bang. Not coincidently, the movie itself includes many a gun bang, explosion bang, laugh bang, banging bodies, and eventually, girl + boy banging. Just call them Bangelina.
Him: Brad! Angelina! Fire!
Her: Brad! Angelina! Passion!
True Lies
Synopsis: Hero (secret assassin). Love interest hero (unknowing wife). Bad guys. Deception. Vulnerability. Laughs.
One of the movies that introduced the modern concept of blockbuster, True Lies gave Arnold's typical killing machine some personality and Jamie Lee Curtis' slight awkwardness some fantastic bitchery. It's always a good time to get lost in a story that makes us laugh, makes us take notice and warms the cockles of our hearts while blowing things up in the process.
Him: Sexy dancing! Spies! Death defying!
Her: Sexy dancing! Laughs! Rekindling romance!
CATEGORY 2: MOVIES THAT ARE PRETTY MUCH AWESOME
Bourne Identity
Synopsis: Amnesiac hero (beefcake). Bad guys. Conspiracy. Teamwork. Car chases and explosions.
Most of the movies on this list are pure popcorn affairs - they're not quite up to par for the typical film snob and "tour de force" isn't really the first word that comes to mind. But Bourne Identity? Exception. Well acted, well crafted, well written and well received. Matt Damon isn't your typical action hero but is easily one of the stand-outs on this list. Bonus: the two sequels are also excellent, with the third film, Bourne Ultimatum, being the best of all.
Him: Truly likable hero! Danger! Hand to hand combat!
Her: Well written! Emotional! Matt Damon!
Kill Bill
Synopsis: Hero (lady assassin). Bad guys. Revenge. Ass kicking. More ass kicking.
If you've never seen this movie (je m'excuse?!), prepare to be stunned. Stunned by its simple yet powerful plot, stunned by the colours, stunned by the martial arts, stunned by the sensory overload, stunned by the gorgeous visuals. Basically, you may finish the movie and wonder what just happened - and then you'll want to see it again. Do you sense favouritism? Cause it's true. Bonus: Volume II is a totally different experience, and just as faboolous.
Him: Revenge! Swords! Anime!
Her: Phenomenal woman hero! Beautiful cinematography!
Raiders Of The Lost Ark
Synopsis: Hero. Bad guys. Exotic locations. Adventure. Teamwork. Otherworldly awesomeness.
This flick is universally popular for a reason, you know. Even though you're aware of how things pan out in the end, you darling couples can cuddle on the couch - the dude, biting your nails when Indiana finds himself in a pile of snakes while the girl, cringing, reaches for a protective arm. Romantic, isn't it? Plus, you know, the movie is kind of crazy awesome and stuff, or whatever. Who hasn't wanted to be an Indiana Jones-like hero at some point in their life?
Him: Indiana Jones! Knives! Arch Nemesi!
Her: Harrison Ford! Shiny things! Good story!
Casino Royale
Synopsis: Hero (beefcake). Love interest (intelligent, sexy). Bad guys. Car chases and explosions. Ass kicking.
Those who doubted James Bond's latest depiction by Daniel Craig - haters to the left. The latest Bond is the man most dudes want to be and most females want to be with. Then there was Vesper Lynd, the love interest most girls want to be and most men want to be with. But in reality, many of us were too busy getting swept up in the incredible action sequences, dangerous predicaments and wonderful cinematography to notice that we're just dirty slobs on a couch. Maybe that's just me?
Him: Man's Man! Poker! Aston Martin!
Her: Man's Man! Cool as ice female lead! Amazing stunts!
Die Hard
Synopsis: Hero cop (beefcake). Bad guys. Hostages. Negotiating. Explosions and ass kicking.
Sometimes touted as the best action film of all time, Die Hard launched a sub-genre of flicks sticking the hero in a hostage situation while using wit and bad assery to get out. Bruce Willis' John McClane is a hero to men and likable by ladies despite being kind of an ass. It's a nail-biter, a roller coaster and the very definition of terrific. Basically, if this movie were a president, it would be Thrill Clinton.
Him: Bruce Willis! One-liners! Weaponry!
Her: Bruce Willis! Alan Rickman! Christmas!
What would you add the list? My personal faves are Terminator 2 and Face/Off, and I'm so furious that they're not mentioned. Who wrote this, anyway?! What a jerk.
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